Well, it feels like it's been forever since my last blog post.  Lately I've been feeling rather drained from work.  Drama upon drama has unfolded, and I don't thrive in drama... so I've felt both a physical and mental toll.  All of this has reminded me of how much my feelings toward my job have changed.  Once upon a time, I was absolutely in love with my job.  I was happy to come into work, spend extra time, knowing I couldn't get paid for overtime... hell I was excited to be a part of an academic library and university life... but... isn't there always a but.  When my daughter arrived just a little over a year and a half ago, I knew that I no longer wanted to spend so much time away from home, I even discussed the possibility of moving to part time employment with my supervisor, but I've, so far, chosen to trudge on.  I partly have been hanging on in order to ensure I get more of my debts paid off and am in a better place financially to care for my family.  That's probably the largest part of it actually.  And I've partly been hanging around because I'm afraid.  Afraid of what staying at home would mean to us financially... afraid of what I would do if I needed another job since the current job market isn't all that friendly.. and I guess part of me is just afraid of letting go of what's familiar to me, even if it's starting to make me miserable.  This job has become like a favorite book... I know the story, I know every little stain and ink blot, every tear and crease... the typos and misprints are old friends... but the cover is falling off, the paper is becoming dry and brittle, and somewhere along the way the story that meant so much to me and carried so much meaning stopped having that deep, sure connection to me heart that once made it so beloved.  I've changed... my job has changed... and I'm thinking, once again, about moving on.

I keep dreaming, much to my dear Justin's dismay I think, of a little hand built house in the country (this is the part he dismays over) with a garden, some chickens, maybe a couple goats... homeschooling Jess a couple years, teaching her some of the more practical skills she won't get in school like cooking and budgeting, raising animals, woodworking and sewing.  So far they're all just dreams and they'll stay that way for a while yet.  There's still so many little complications that I have to find a way to deal with before I could have hope to homestead or become a work-at-home mom.  But when I'm dreaming about these things, that's when I feel the old spark, the one I used to feel about my job, that excitement and joy at the idea of doing something and doing it well.  I may not be much of a salesman or marketer, I'm certainly not the type to go about hobnobbing as a lawyer or doctor, but I am a hardworker, especially when I'm inspired and motivated.

Here's to moving on... maybe not today, but someday... and hopefully in the not too distant future.  Here's to making a handmade life for myself and my family.  Wish me luck... and wish some of those complications out of my way while you're at it. ;)